My 5th lot of tonsillitis now this year. It started a few weeks back but I tried alternatives to antibiotics and it clearly didn’t work as I was awake all night in agony. So I bribed my 4 year old to make him behave and off we popped to open surgery. Luckily the docs have changed it recently and a nurse triages everyone to see if they should have got an appointment instead. So it was only a 15 minute wait. Yet it cost me for a comic, chocolate and sweets as I anticipated longer than that. Plus I can’t buy a comic for finley without jess getting one as she would soon notice he had one after school. And then guilt set in and she got sweets as well.

Back to the tonsillitis, the doctor wants to me have the tonsils out really but it means stopping all the psa treatment or I would likely get an infection post op. So for now until we decide what’s best I am stuck with antibiotics that make me feel sick. And found out last week my kidneys aren’t working properly and my body is full of toxic fluid. Really helping my diet.

Our doctors have always being great but we have a new practice partner who has taken over as my named gp. She is fab. Like the very helpful doctors on TV ha. She is unhappy about my pain levels and is seeing me every two weeks to try and help me. Saw her last week over my poorly twisted feet and booked an appointment with her for next week then she saw my name on the list for another doctor this morning and switched me to her which was nice.

I was really angry last week as someone told me because they had seen me out on a weekend (normally in bed after methotrexate on Friday) then I must have been feeling better. People really need to think before they speak as it made me so angry. I have to go out most days as I have no help at all other than when my husband is home from his full time job. It astounds me that people put pressure on me to see them when I am this ill. I would never do that to my friends and family. I try so hard to please everyone but ultimately the only people I care about pleasing are my kids. I have little energy so what I have is spent on them and if people don’t like that then honestly I don’t care. That’s my rant done for this blog.

I have another friend who has recently dropped off the radar and who isn’t replying to me. I appreciate I might not be a lot of fun now but this has definitely shown me who my true friends are. And I know I am incredibly lucky to have the good ones. My closest friend is probably my school run friend. And honestly we do have fun. I don’t constantly moan at her about my illness. Because I don’t need to. She knows what I am or aren’t capable of, never puts pressure on me and still treats me the same as before. I am incredibly lucky to have 4 close friends and if any of them read this I appreciate and love you all.

Ooh I applied for my first job since having to leave mine. It’s a whole 6 hours a week working Saturday and Sunday evening on a reception desk of a nursing home. I just feel so worthless doing nothing. I am lucky that financially I don’t need to work but for my mental health I need to. I have always worked. I applied yesterday but not sure I will hear anything. I am stupidly over qualified and over skilled and am ill and disabled. Really not the best mix for any job candidate. But I feel better that I finally found something I could do. I am planning on doing my degree in September so that will take up a few years but what then? I refuse to accept I can’t work. I just have no idea what I am physically capable of doing now. Even if they slow down the progression of the disease I have permanent damage to most joints. It’s unlikely I will ever be off crutches again. And then I also can’t do 9 hours sat in a call centre as I have damage to my fingers and hands. So I am very limited. But it’s not impossible.

Onto the kids now. Finleys speech is getting so much better but after research is definitely looking like apraxia with maybe aspergers. I have watched videos of kids talking and they sound just the same as him. His teacher attended his speech therapy with him on Tuesday as he won’t talk to the therapist and she said he made her cry with how hard he tried. So proud of him. But he is becoming more aggressive recently when he can’t communicate which I am eager to nip in the bud.

Jess is having a really hard time at the minute at school with bullying. One of the little darlings smashed her glasses today which cost me a lot of money as I pay to get the lenses thinned so they don’t look like jam jar bottoms glasses. Spoke to the head teacher briefly today but going in tomorrow as so angry. Recently she has started getting really angry at home and taking her bag moods out on us but it’s how these kids behave at school and also how their parents behave. In the last school holidays she was an absolute angel as no stress about school. I was concerned Monday as she come home telling me she had made friends with the ring leader. I wasn’t happy so spoke to pastoral care who was dealing with it and neither was she. Today these children were all having a go at each other and she got caught in the cross fire. We have sat down to talk properly tonight. She had rehearsals for a show she is in next week and was really stressed about school when she went so sent her with a phone in case she needed us. She ended up crying so she got picked up and bought home early. She has been a little down about the show as it’s next week and she was struggling with some bits but when Rob picked her up tonight they said she had done fantastic which we really needed her to hear. We sat down and has a chat. She has written a letter to the head teachers and I have written a note of things I want to discuss tomorrow. I understand the school deals with a high percentage of children from families with no discipline and they do have a battle on their hands. But I don’t care about that. I care about my baby. She has told us tonight she made friends with the ringleader as she then thought she would leave her alone. She shouldn’t be worried about that. And they have managed to upset me when I am really ill and sleep deprived so good luck to the school tomorrow. I just want my kids to be happy. They don’t need expensive things or fancy holidays. They just need to be happy.

And that’s all for this blog, got some things off my chest so feel better 🙂