Just to give you an idea on my level of pain today this is what my ankles look like…..

Going to a wedding reception tonight of one of robs work colleagues so a bunch of people I have never met. It’s our first night out in over 5 years. Childcare is always an issue and me asking this time just caused loads of hassle. And now been invited for a meal for robs birthday in 2 weeks with our friends and desperately want to go but guess what…..  no childcare. So looks like I’ll be sending Rob out alone. So wasting a nights childcare on going to something where I know no one, can’t drink and certainly can’t dance and thanks to my weight being it’s highest ever I certainly don’t feel good about myself. 

Sorry this is a hugely grumpy blog.

Rob doesn’t read this so I can say this but he really wants to go tonight but I don’t think he realises how much I am dreading it and don’t want to go.

Onto my next moan…my weight. No matter what I do nothing will come off and am so down about it. I was meant to go to slimming world Tuesday night but weighed myself first and didn’t go. Had put on a pound which I know is nothing but I am trying so hard I want to scream. So went to the doctors Wednesday morning and just cried. Poor male doctor was so happy he got stuck with me ha. He said my meds aren’t helping at all so despite him saying not to I have reduced some. Hence my ankles. But I can’t face taking them. I am getting to the point where I hate food. The gp said between my meds and my condition he can’t see me losing weight so has referred me for a gastric bypass. At first I was happy about this and he said it would be done in the next few months. Nope, that is the first appointment. It will be about 2 years and I genuinely can’t live like this for the next 2 years. Looked into replacing food with ‘shakes’ I am that desperate. But genuinely can’t afford it. So am back to counting calories very strictly. Not hard at all as I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to be like this anymore. 

I just want the old me back. And starting to cry yet again writing this. 

So onto other things. Finley needs glasses. His eye sight is worse than mine and that’s really saying something. So he has avengers glasses and star wars sunglasses on order. 

He looks so cute. He is desperate for them now. He keeps saying he wants to see like at the opticians. It breaks my heart and can’t wait for them to arrive so he can start seeing properly. Got an appointment for him at the podiatrist this week as his ankles roll over so hoping to get some inner soles. I also have the rheumatologist to get started on some new biologic drugs. No doubt I will cry at him too ha. 

Busy week of appointments so the week after we are having finleys little girlfriend over for tea after school. She is very cute. He says he doesn’t like her cos she is a yakky girl. But his little face lights up as soon as they see each other at nursery and the other week when I was picking him up I looked into the carpet where they wait and they were sat cuddling. Very cute. 

Both kids met new teachers this week. Can’t believe jess is at high school in two years. I got my enrolment completed for open university too and am looking at voluntary work. Seen as no one will employ me let’s see if someone will take me for free. 

Let’s hope things start to improve soon.