Been a while oops

Honestly I was really good after the last blog. Quite upbeat. But the last few weeks have been terrible and I am struggling to stay upbeat. The inflammation on my si joints are causing my mobility to deteriorate very quickly. And on top of that the fatigue has been horrendous. To the point that I have been scared with how terrible I have felt. Especially because I know my liver isn’t functioning properly. I have just felt like I am missing out on life and had lots of tears over the last two weeks. I have been working a lot as well which probably hasn’t helped but when I say a lot I mean maybe 20 hours a week. Which two years ago would have been a breeze. 

I think my lowest moment was not being able to stay awake with the kids. It was 4.30 and Rob was due home at 5.30 and I was conscious of what was going on around me so they were perfectly safe but I just couldn’t function. Obviously once Rob came home I could go to bed and sleep and I slept all the way until the morning. 

It’s so hard to explain fatigue to someone who isn’t ill. It’s like your body shuts down. You want to do things but your body won’t physically let you. I have constantly felt at the point of collapse. 

So yeah…..the last two weeks haven’t been good. 

I thought I had got over the depression of my life being stolen by this horrendous disease but it appears not. Thankfully since Friday the fatigue has lifted a little. The pain and my mobility is just as bad but I can cope with that. Life is painful but at least I can stay awake and function. 

And my head is all over the place about the gastric bypass. Am so scared how my body will cope and also if the first few weeks will just make me more depressed than ever with recovery from surgery on top of everything else. So am giving slimming world one last ditch attempt. Last time I went I was on so many drugs with weight gain as a side effect and nothing I did was good enough. I just couldn’t lose weight. So very nervous at first week weigh in. Lost 9.5lbs. Over the moon. So at least something has gone right this week ha. 

The kids are great. Although jess has been getting stressed at school again. I think that is just her being ready for the Christmas break though. So happy to have them home for the next few weeks. No school run stress and hopefully lots of fun. 

Also forced myself to start reading again which I am hoping will help me mood. I guess everyone needs a little escapism. 

We restuffed all the sofa cushions yesterday to try and help me sit down there. I am constantly laid on the bed as it’s the only place I can get comfortable. The last thing we need to do is make the sofa higher so I can get on and off easier. But all the raisers you can buy won’t fit our sofa which is typical. So there might be a phone call made to my dad soon ha. But am hopeful what we have done will mean I can spend more time sat down there. 

I still have no hair. I keep thinking it is growing back but then the bald spots appear. I am so bored of people asking me if it’s a choice. Complete strangers. What a rude question. I don’t want to have to tell strangers it’s a combination of autoimmune disease and chemo drugs. It’s none of their business. 

OK my last thing is I am excited about Christmas. All the presents are bought. We just need to wrap. I am working Christmas eve and Christmas day so need to be more organised this year. I don’t mind working though as it’s only 3 hours so hardly missing out on anything. So am feeling the Christmas spirit yay. 

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